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My Magazine > Editors Archive > Advice > Foreplay by Number
Foreplay by Number   by Geoff Smullins

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With an 8/20 ratio between the average male and female arousal cycles, it's easy to see why, while he's enjoying his cream delight, she's not even halfway to sundae.

Try a romance novel; it could be the great equalizer. While all that brain-centered action (like reading out loud) slows the visual male's arousal down, it will put her arousal on the front burner and turn up the gas. If you're lucky, you'll meet in the middle.

Last week's article, "V-Day Foreplay" introduced some ideas on the value of romance novels for foreplay. The process goes something like this:

1) READ a romance novel aloud. But don't just read, get into role, play with voices, laugh, have fun.
2) OBSERVE: Watch her breath, listen for that certain horny giggle -- find out how her turn-on is wired.
3) ENACT: Act out the parts. If it says, "he slides his hand down her bodice," do it.

Consider a night when you really just want to get to the sex and your hormones aren't being very cooperative about foreplay, small talk, or your partner's needs. Somehow your instincts wisely inform you that telling your partner "stop talking and open wide" will not lead to the best sex. It almost feels like you need a mediator just to get laid. Instead, get some distance; get some space; get out the romance novel.

READ
You've already picked out the book and specially marked the pages (how to do this is coming up). Start reading out loud with vigor in your voice. It's about setting a mood -- a little playful, a little strong, a lot romantic and sexy. Except the book's doing the work. Once you find the right one, it comes with all the female extras -- like mood and romance -- and contrary to old stereotypes, it will contain foreplay and even sex. The "specially marked pages" (OK, so there's a little homework involved) are the key.

OBSERVE
As we said last week, the romance novel is your friend. If you're play acting the scenes, she probably won't be able to resist responding in kind -- "ooh baby," or "oh, no, not that!" or "come and get it!" Watch how she interacts. (Is she a good sport? Funny? Sentimental?) Does she "prrr" (pussy), or "grrr" (tiger)? Putting a book between partners provides them a free space to watch each other's sexuality. It takes off the pressure of having to do all the right things. It relieves everyone of taking themselves too seriously.

ENACT
As I mentioned last time, read, get dramatic, play with voices, enact the scenes you read: strip her as the heroine is getting stripped, mount her as the heroine is mounted -- only to back off as you read the inevitable "oh, we mustn't." Imagine reading and enacting this: "While still mercilessly rubbing and teasing that one tender spot until she writhed against his thumb in search of more, he slid a finger lower to part her delicate folds, then slip inside her. Her eyes widened at the shock of such a sinful intimacy...his finger withdrew. Only to thrust inside her again. And again. And again in firm, silken strokes that drove all the breath right out of her." While you continue enacting this penetration in real time with your finger, imagine that you're also reading out loud: "She'd heard enough about lovemaking to know how it worked, but she'd never heard about this. Having his finger inside her was perfectly appalling" (198 To Pleasure a Prince). Without any effort, you're a romantic hero and tension hangs in the air. It's kind of fun and crazy, no-pressure, and yet you'll be amazed how it teases you both to arousal. While acting, it never hurts to go back to step #2: Observe.

THE RIGHT BOOK, THE RIGHT PAGES
No need to become a romance novel addict to find good books to play with, either. Here's how to get right to the best novels and the juciest bits.

THE GOLDEN 125 RULE
You're in the book store standing in front of literally hundreds of these red and pink and pastel books with the overdeveloped pecs or underdressed women on the covers. What to do?

Pick up any of the books and turn to page 125. Start reading. Somewhere within ten pages of this golden number in an average romance novel of about 350 pages, the hero is going to make his move. We're probably not talking penetration. But maybe the hero's finger works its bold way past the heroine's panties or bloomers as he's pinning her against the castle wall or holding her tight in the secret drawing room, or putting her over his knee in the horse drawn carriage. As romance novels come and go, if that finger makes its way inside her pussy this book is going to be about a 7 on the heat meter.

And so way before finger penetration, To Pleasure a Prince starts the steam-up on page 124. "Skipping his free hand down he splayed his fingers over her abdomen, then dragged them lower and lower until -- 'and this.' He cupped her between the legs, right on the spot where she felt suddenly tight and tender." By page 125 he's pulling down the bodice of her gown, baring a breast, "and what he did to her nipple with his tongue, good Lord!" And all this in a dark opera booth in the midst of a crowd while an opera is going on!

The heroine gets some nice clitoral stimulation against the hero's thigh, but no orgasm. Still, it's a fun scene to read because of all the talk about how "scandalous" it is. Put into the context of about a hundred years ago, the scandal becomes palpable -- doesn't everyone love a little risk in their foreplay?

But when the heroine, Regina, recovers herself, and the couple move on to more mundane things, you, in your carefully planned guided romance novel foreplay, will skip to the next juicy scene: Their wedding night (p 253). (I've skipped a brief orgasm on page 200.) "She ran one finger over the smooth flesh, marveling at how it jerked beneath her touch. He actually shook as she stroked him. Perversely, that reassured her."

Regina is a virgin on her wedding night, and the book even describes her husband Marcus breaking her hymen. Not your grandmother's romance novel.

Then on to the next juicy scene, perhaps the whole of chapter 25 (336 - 45). Regina is acting like a siren. She strips herself, then taunts him, then strips him. She asks him to keep his eyes are closed rather than blindfold him.

"Within moments she had him naked, his ass resting on the worn damask of the couch as she settled herself across his thighs. He could imagine her honeypot open and waiting, imagine her downy curls glistening in the candlelight. But he couldn't see it, damn it. He wanted to see it. 'I want to open my eyes,' he grumbled. 'Not yet, my love. Not if you want me to satisfy this.' Her fingers grazed the crown of his cock, and his blood pumped his erection even higher. 'Great God, Regina --' He broke off with a choked moan as she stroked his cock with a long, teasing caress. Then her mouth was on his chest, kissing and licking and driving him completely out of his mind."

Notice the, er, spread between the sexy bits. It takes 125 pages to get to the first one, another 125 pages to get from there to the second one, and then under a hundred pages to the third one -- just as things tend to speed after the point of no return. This pacing is about what you can expect from a pretty good romance novel in terms of spice spacing.

FINDING THE FOREPLAY ACTION
When looking for a novel to use as foreplay, scan over these big spreads. Scan the pages around 125 - 135 and see what's going on -- a kiss? Groping? Fingering? Clothes on or off? The heavier the action at this point, the more promising the book.

Now, skip about 125 pages, dip into the action there, see if you can find the sexy bits. Finally, skip to something about a chapter away from the end. In a few minutes, you can have a really good idea if a book will make good foreplay material, and in a few more minutes, you can have the sexiest sections marked off and ready to deploy on your next sexual incursion.

For someone who reads romance novels for fun, this approach may seem like cheating, like spoiling the fun. Anyone in that category should skip over the next section where I run down a few more romance novels and give away the good parts (almost).

NAUGHTY OR NICE by Melanie George

You may have guessed from the title that this book has a wicked little set-up: "He was her guardian, the man her brother had entrusted with her care. Her virtue. If he knew who she was, he wouldn't want her. When she finally told him, he would hate her. But all those things seemed leagues away as he cupped her breast, his tongue curling against hers as his thumb caressed her nipple" (124).

Naughty or Nice starts building the sexual tension right in the first six pages when the hero (Lucien) and heroine (Fancy) meet for the first time. It's not full of physical sex, but it sets up sweet anticipation and sort of competitive tension.

And guess what's happening by the time we hit the golden page 125:

"'Has any man ever tasted you?'" Lucien says to Fancy. "She moaned and arched up as he drew her nipple into his mouth and suckled deeply. She could feel every tug, every teasing lick of his tongue, down below. 'You're so untutored,' he crooned against her skin, looking up at her as his tongue circled her nipple, her labored breathing lifting her breasts up and down as he toyed with her, licking her each time her breast rose, so that she never wanted to exhale. 'This is all I'm going to do. For now. But each time you come to me, I'll teach you a bit more. Do you want that?' He asked the question as he tugged her nipple into his warm, wet mouth, and all Fancy could do was move restlessly against him. 'Do you like what I'm doing?' Fancy fought for air. 'Yes,' she breathed, the word a haunting whisper of a sound. He rolled her nipples between his thumb and forefinger pulling them lightly before soothing them with his mouth.'"

Anyone with sensitive nipples is going to get wet or hard right about here. And if you are acting it out, pressing into your "Fancy" and breathing out the question: "Do you want that?" it can be a hot rakish fantasy -- the hungry virgin, the seducer -- to play out.

Naughty or Nice has some really oddball plot twists in it later on, which seem contrived to ramp up the sexual situations -- they end up locked in a room together (?). But if you're reading it for foreplay only, who cares?

UNMASKED by Kathleen Lawless

The author's name says it all, and this nifty book, way shorter than most at 194 pages, is exceptionally erotic with an extra quotient of arousing scenes. It's a bit of an anomaly -- fewer pages, more sex -- about a woman who gets herself stranded on a man's estate so she can find out his secrets, and she ends up at that gothic favorite, the shadowy masquerade ball. (We all know what nasty things can happen under cover of a mask.) By page 24, our hero (Grayson) and heroine (Aurora -- OK, let's not go there with the names in these books) are in the throes of sex.

"He freed his cock. Then brought the tip of his shaft to her entranceway, teasing the ginger-colored curls. Gently he probed for admittance, slid easily inside her slickness, then withdrew before sliding in farther. Aurora moaned aloud at the exquisite sensation of him filling her. She had been empty for so long. Forever. Now, finally she understood how it felt to be well and truly mated to someone. His breathing grew harsh as he increased the pace of his actions. Aurora could see the pale glimmer of his shaft as he pulled nearly all the way out, then buried himself deep inside her" (24-25).

On page 57, Grayson gets creative and goes for the ice.

"In Grayson's talented fingers, the ice became an instrument of extreme stimulation. He rubbed it across her breasts and nipples, then blew on them. Hot. Cold. Hot again. Aurora squirmed. Her legs felt too heavy to move, yet the throbbing need at their juncture wouldn't allow her to remain still as he guided the ice lower. It slid across her ribs and abdomen to ring her navel, before he dipped it lower still, beneath the band edging her knickers to glide toward her hottest core. Aurora held her breath as fiery fingers and frozen ice teamed together inside of her, the melting ice water underscored by her own slick spill of moisture."

By the golden page 125, where more tame novels are just getting underway, this couple has moved on to soft bondage -- she is tied and blindfolded.

"He spread his fingers wide, as if to encompass all of her feminine secrets. The heel of his hand pressed suggestively against her, enflaming her already overstimulated nubbin. She felt pinpricks of awareness up and down the insides of her legs…She felt the scrape of cold steel across her shoulders and instant before the knife blade severed the gown's straps and the transparent garment slithered from her body. As she felt it pool at her feel like a puddle of spilled cream, Aurora's excitement soared" (Unmasked 126).

Though the situations are all contrived and mostly about setting up cinematic mood-moments, Unmasked is a fun, erotic read, with a grand ball, a fireworks display, a dusty wine cellar and a murder mystery ending with a bang.

[Next week we wrap up our intimate tour through the romance novel as foreplay, introducing you to a couple more titles and a few more tricks to help you screen books for foreplay fodder in "Foreplay Helper," part 3 of the series.]