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My Magazine > Editors Archive > Advice > I Only Love Filthy Sluts
I Only Love Filthy Sluts   by Socrates Smith

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I Only Love Filthy Sluts
Directed by Ionie Luvcoxxx
Private Video




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“Excuse me.”

“Yes?”

“Do you want to fuck a porn star?”

“I can’t. I’m late for a meeting.”

I love dialogue like this! -- and we get plenty of it as Ionie Luvcoxxx ranges the streets of London soliciting men to star in her newest film, I Only Love Filthy Sluts. If you haven’t done it already, reread the above exchange in a British accent. The primness! The hilarity! I tell you, it’s almost an orgasm right there.

By now you’ve probably seen porn where men drive around for hours (edited, thank God), trawling for sexy girls they can bribe to have sex on camera. Usually they end up coughing up five hundred bucks or more just to get the girl in their car.

Well, Ionie’s latest installment is the exact opposite: an attractive woman goes out looking for men to fuck porn stars at a nearby hotel. She goes on foot, because finding men who want to fuck porn stars is a pretty easy business. So easy, in fact, that she doesn’t even need to offer money -- pussy is its own reward. (A note on the title: Wouldn't it be the men in the film who are truly the filthy sluts? Since the "porn stars" are most likely being paid.)

This two-hour movie is broken into five segments of equal length, each with the same basic formula: get a nasty slut, find a guy willing to fuck her, and film. And though I give the concept a thumbs up, the product -- well, the first four scenes are all crap, including some rather ugly shots of impotence and skin disease. The fifth scene is great, but these people needed some kind of heads up from their marketing department -- good scenes up front. A serious porn snob would never get to scene 5. Besides, that one scene is not ultimately good enough to make buying this film worthwhile. But here's the wrap-up. For the first few minutes, Ionie can’t find a willing man. Everyone she accosts heads off to a meeting or to the Misses, and their faces are pixilated beyond recognition as if they're suspects on COPS.

Eventually, however, she finds Dan, and we think that we are saved. He deftly maneuvers his way past the screening interview:

“Have you ever fucked a filthy slut before?” Luvcoxxx asks. “Well, once or twice,” Dan says, blushing, “but never on camera.” That answer got him the job. And in the next cut, at Ionie’s hotel room, Dan's big one is getting sucked off by a Polish girl. Unfortunately, both for Dan and for us, the big one doesn't get so big -- or I should say hard. The camera shows him “fucking” the girl from behind, or maybe I should say humping. Or fake-fucking. Because hard cock and this guy are never in the same time zone. That must have been terribly sad for Dan. Imagine being randomly selected off the street to do what every red-blooded man dreams of doing to a hot, willing young girl. There she bends, all primed; and there you are, flapping in the breeze, not even enough wood to make a valiant stand -- and they caught it on film! As for us, the poor viewers…I have no prejudices against those with E.D., I just don’t want their limp dicks in my porn. That this anti-erotica can show up on a classy label like Private no less, frankly astounds me. And what's worse, just when we thought we'd gotten over Dan's flaccid flop, he returns in part three to fail for the camera once again. "The boys at the office” are “going to rip the piss” out of him, he tells us. (At least they get the pleasure.)

All my talk of impotence aside, there is plenty of hard, strong cock in this film. Too bad once the wood goes right, other things go wrong. For example, one of the girls has a skin problem that her fish net stockings can't totally conceal. I’m no dermatologist, but I think it's a fair assumption to say that skin should not be covered in red bumps. If my first time in front of a porn camera introduced me to legs like that, I wouldn’t be getting hard either.

Another flaw is that the first couple of women seem imported. “I am filthy slut and I want big black cock,” says the girl in the second scene. The actress in scene three pronounces pussy “poo-SAY,” which made me stop stroking and start laughing. I impose no restrictions on national origin in my own sex life, but on film an Eastern European accent reminds me too much of the low-budget Mike’s Apartment, wherein men take advantage of girls from Prague because they can pay them less. And then I think maybe they get a discount for starlets with skin problems, too. The cold, mathematical place this philosophical and economic distraction leads me kills whatever fantasy I may have been able to muster after the limp dicks. If I’m going to pay good money for porn, I want the producers to pay top dollar for their women -- without skin problems. After all, I have expensive taste in cheap women.

The black man who is fucking the underpaid porn star, however, is doing a great job, especially for someone they found at an outdoor café. He’s really the star of the scene. His cock is strong, and he’s got a nice body to boot. Ladies, if you’re ever looking for random, off-the-street sex in London, look him up.

The fourth scene is a bathroom scene, wherein a somewhat demented white man (crazy eyes, bad haircut, likes to stick his tongue way out) with a cock that becomes wider as it gets longer fucks the “filthy slut” who'd been taking a bath. A weird moment occurs when they briefly kiss -- a rare event in porn, (which is strange considering we probably kiss more people than we screw). The lack of kissing is not, however, something that I wish to change. I like the meaninglessness, the accessibility of porn. These kisses impose an intimacy that the title and premise of the film leave out.



But the couple goes on to fuck in impossible ways, with an acrobatic display on the side wall of the bathtub that evades description … Okay, I’ll try: she’s resting on her back on the side edge of the tub, her legs curled over her head and pressed to the wall behind her. He mounts her and fucks her while facing the opposite direction. Can you picture it? If not, don’t worry. You’re unlikely to ever need this little trick, unless you’re performing for a camera or the circus. It looks interesting, but painful.

Scene five is the best scene in the movie -- if only it could be good enough to redeem what came before it. The blonde at center stage rides cock like a pro (which is, after all, what she is), with gusto. She's a reassuring sight in the porn world, where tired-looking girls often fuck without passion. This woman is really loving it. She even gets fucked on the patio, which adds a nice voyeuristic element. She’s not the prettiest porn star in the world, but who cares? When a woman has talent, she has talent. She’s by far the best thing in the feature. She bounces and sucks with such glee and confidence that you have to admire her strength of spirit, if not her actual moves. (Under the old figure skating rules, this scene would score low for technical merit but high for presentation. Under the new rules, there may be a deduction for gagging.)

One constant trouble is that Ionie is the most attractive woman in the film, but she never gets naked. Fucking a dirty slut in a cheap hotel is a nice fantasy, I guess, but you know what they say: the knight in silver armor considers himself poor when he sees a knight in gold. To fuck a filthy slut while a prettier, cleaner slut is filming you … well, it’s kind of like a silver medal.

Of course, I’ll always love porn, even relatively bad porn. My imagination can take over where the production quality leaves off. Though I will say I had to get pretty imaginative on this one, in the end, I Only Love Filthy Sluts isn't beyond getting off to.